she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
