so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
