How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
