Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
