i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
