We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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