she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
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