with your own penis?
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
