I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Randomize
