went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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