its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
