Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
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