If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Randomize
