90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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