Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
