3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
