You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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