I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
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What did I eat last night that was bloody?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
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2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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