if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
too bad you live with your parents still
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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