you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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