the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
