I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
