you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
