omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
