So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
