She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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