i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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