I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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