Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
