found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
