He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
