When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
