is your mom at the bar?
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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