As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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