I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Farmville is her only friend.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
