Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
