Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
