I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
