There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
