i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
