So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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