Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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