just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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