what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
