I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
