I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just threw up on my dentist
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
