I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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