don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
There's always time for handjobs
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
