my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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