first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
