And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
