So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
