i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
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