just tell him i said nine months
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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