Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
