so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
