The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
